I went through high school. I got got good grades. I kept out of trouble. I got a job. I got involved with clubs and volunteering and being a leader. Basically I did all the shit every single website will tell you to do to be a well rounded college bound student. Guess what?
I got into a really great school down south. I got a shit ton of scholarship money. I got all my shit ready and then I got a bill and had to apply for a loan. You need credit for a loan or you need a cosigner with good fucking credit. I have neither of those things.
Instead I a bill that i am around 20,000 dollars short to pay.
So now I'm not going to that school. I had to fucking reapply to other schools and I'm still waiting to hear back from them.
As of now I have no plans for next year really. Everyone is pulling for me to got to the community college . But I will not. I cannot. It feels like a pride thing but I don't want to say I'm better than it. Really, the kids that go there are better than me for having their shit together a hell of a lot better than me. It's that my whole life I've been saying I'm getting the fuck out of this quick-sand town. I will not wait here to sink deeper and deeper till I'm stuck, waiting to suffocate.
Here's a list of things I've done when faced with my impending doom
- laid in bed for days at a time
-watched all three seasons of Avatar the Last Airbender.
-contemplate suicide
-fuck my fucking brains out because that's the only thing that takes my mind off my predicament.
-crave cigarettes like I never have before, even when I actually still smoked.
-began seeing my therapist 2 times a week.
-create a suicide prevention plan with her.
-cry
-cry
-cry
-cry so much that my eyes feel permanently blood shot.
-stop shaving
-stop brushing my hair.
-started watching the legend of Kora.
- listen to music, lots of it
-google how to get into the porn industry.
-dream about just getting in my car and driving straight west but knowing i wouldst even make it past the state line before running out of gas and money to buy more.
Generally its been a whole lot of moping and I'm sick of it. I have to do something. I cannot wait anymore. I keep telling myself it'll all be alright by time fall comes but it wont. I'm an adult now. I don't automatically just get to go back to school. I have to work for my next step. I have to live life now.
