All of the bad.

I haven't been able to stop crying for the past couple hours and this time, despite my selfishness, I am a not sad for just my own life. Everything seems so bad. People hurt other people and people do not care. Why do people want guns? Why do people feel like they will lose something is gun are more strictly controlled. Guns are made to kill people. That is it. That is their sole purpose. Why do we all take the thought of death so lightly? Why is it okay to jokingly tell someone "kys" now? Why cant I do anything about any of these problems? I feel so useless.

I keep seeing things about what happened in Connecticut and i cant take it anymore. All those children and teachers. I keep want to say they were all so young or "this close to Christmas..." but it really doesn't matter. People that weren't suppose to die, good, happy people died. I guess I never think about it, but people die like this all the time.

I found out my sisters boyfriend has been hitting her. She wont leave him and I told my parents and still, Josh is asleep on my couch right now. I don't know what to do. Part of my want to yell at him and hurt him. Key his car. Through his fucking phone in the toilet. Tell all those other girls he cheats on Autumn with, the way he treats her. I don't know how that will help her though. I don't know how to protect her.

I feel like I cant trust anything anymore. I can't trust my parents to take care of me, since apparently, it's totally fine if boys beat us. I cant trust the way I used to look up to my sister, seeing her so confident, know what she is worth and all she can do. I cant trust people to just be good people and not carry around guns and always be ready to kill another person.

I want to distract myself, stop caring, forget what happened, not heed the warning, but then I just would be part of the problem. 

lame

So I'm starting at deltech in the spring and I'm doing the nursing program and I thought this was a good idea and I still see the pros of it. Its a stable job that I can do anywhere. I'll make decent money. Most importantly though I'll get to help people.

 Then I watched this video of one of my favorite authors talking about how college had impacted his life.

 

It makes me really sad that I'm going to miss out on classes about creative writing and philosophy and religion. All I've ever wanted was to be a writer. I want to write stories and books and I want to share them with people. I want to take class where I can learn about all human experiences and how to make my writing better. I want to go to a college with a freaking literary magazine.

My therapist told me I'd stop feeling like I'm missing out on so much once I got back into school and started getting everything settled, but as I make these choices I keep second guessing myself and seeing how much I'm going to miss out on. 

On another note, I keep hearing people say that I've changed. I'm not as funny anymore. I'm serious now. I hate it. I know it's true. I know that trying to beat the sadness in your life is serious business and it's almost impossible to come out of this being the same silly fun teenager, everyone loved apparently.

Today

It's lovely out, the kind of day I feel like I should actually get out of the house and do something, but I'm so tired of doing things alone. I just need people to like hang out with, like hang out at the mall, go to the movies, go walk around trap pond, walk around Salisbury. I feel like I look so shifty when I just mill around shops and leave and too alone sitting in a dark theater by myself. I enjoy myself a lot, but it would be nice to have some company now and again.

What's Missing.

Today I went with my family to take my sister to college, which, as I realized on the ride there, turned out to be a terrible idea. Any time I have to be faced with that fact that people are going to colleges and doing awesome it turns out bad.

I get to see pictures and status' about them buying books and meeting their roommates and watching their parents drive away and hearing how it feels like they're at summer camp or something. I get to see them meet new people see things I will get to. I'm missing so much by being stuck having to become a grown up while still sleeping in my childhood bedroom.

I missing being careless and crazy. I have to refrian from smoking weed and staying out late because I have to find a fucking job. I get no more breaks. There will be no summer or thanksgiving or winter or spring breaks for me. I get days off now, which since I cannot find a job is really never; I'm always looking, sending out resumes, filling out the same information in the same uniform applications. What really gets me is the I got into 12 schools. 12. fucking. schools. and Walmart will not even hire me.

All I want is to get out of this area. I need something new and I cannot get my feet on the grown so I can start running.

I'm sick of dealing with money, struggling because I down to my last fifty bucks. I'm sick of seeing all the same people that don't like me anyway. I sick of crying all the time because I just hate everything my life has become.

comfortable

Ive started writing again and it feels glorious and beautiful.

I sat out side today as the sunset writing, just like i use to. I dont know how ive gotten out of that habit because its where i feel the most like myself. I'm so happy, How did i ever lose sight of this loveliness.

P.S. I keep coming up with all these forks in ideas. wanna hear some of my unfinished crap and give me feed back on which direction i should take, feel free to hit a girl up.

I haven't been talking much

I dont really have anyone to talk to and most of the communicating I've been doing with anyone has been over the internet. This sounds really sad, but it's not so bad. I enjoy spending time in my head most of the time. I'm pretty goddamned funny. I like watching cartoons on my laptop alone in my room. I like cyber stalking people with way cooler lives than me. My computer has become one of my very best friends and i do have to admit; that is pretty sad.

As you can tell I'm pretty alone. The other day though I was driving and I put in a CD and I sang along. I've always been a singer. Anytime I feel comfortable and a song i know i will start to sing.

But it had been forever since I'd done that for what ever reason and drove my care home and belted out every not"e with all the energy i had and it felt so good; hearing my own voice. For to long I almost forgotten what it feels like to open my mouth to express myself, as dumb or corny as that may sound. 

I've been struggling, but what has made it worse is that i was just kind of sitting back and accepting it. I need to do things to make me feel better, to make my life better.

"Now i have got a voice and thats the voice youre hearing now"
                                 -Mr. J. Medeiros, "Nothing Without Providence"

I think about love a lot.

because im so deep in it that ill never find a way and i really don't care to. I never really cared about love til I found it. and it's glorious. I certain blooger i follow says she does not believe in love and i think thats ok. but someday i pray she will. someday i wish for her to find someone completely on her wavelength, the person that no matter what she saying or what shes going though that just get it. someone that shell lay with and just wish to melt right into them, to crawl inside of them and survive inside all the comfort they bring her.

I don't think love brings you happiness or saves you in anyway. It makes you glow inside. its a feeling so big sometimes it feels like you cant contain it or explain it. Itll make you into a giant cheeseball constantly acting out cliches. Yes all the cheesy love songs will remind you of this person, youll feel an ache in your chest when you are uncertain of the next time youll see them. you will get on everyone's with all the mushy love crap you cant help but spout off.

I pray someday this girl eats her words because love is beautiful and glorious and so so very very real.

The Plan. and how life basically bent me right over.

I went through high school. I got got good grades. I kept out of trouble. I got a job. I got involved with clubs and volunteering and being a leader. Basically I did all the shit every single website will tell you to do to be a well rounded college bound student. Guess what?

I got into a really great school down south. I got a shit ton of scholarship money. I got all my shit ready and then I got a bill and had to apply for a loan. You need credit for a loan or you need a cosigner with good fucking credit. I have neither of those things.

Instead I a bill that i am around 20,000 dollars short to pay.

So now I'm not going to that school. I had to fucking reapply to other schools and I'm still waiting to hear back from them.

As of now I have no plans for next year really. Everyone is pulling for me to got to the community college . But I will not. I cannot. It feels like a pride thing but I don't want to say I'm better than it. Really, the kids that go there are better than me for having their shit together a hell of a lot better than me. It's that my whole life I've been saying I'm getting the fuck out of this quick-sand town. I will not wait here to sink deeper and deeper till I'm stuck, waiting to suffocate.

Here's a list of things I've done when faced with my impending doom
- laid in bed for days at a time
-watched all three seasons of Avatar the Last Airbender.
-contemplate suicide
-fuck my fucking brains out because that's the only thing that takes my mind off my predicament.
-crave cigarettes like I never have before, even when I actually still smoked.
-began seeing my therapist 2 times a week.
-create a suicide prevention plan with her.
-cry
-cry
-cry
-cry so much that my eyes feel permanently blood shot.
-stop shaving
-stop brushing my hair.
-started watching the legend of Kora.
- listen to music, lots of it
-google how to get into the porn industry.
-dream about just getting in my car and driving straight west but knowing i wouldst even make it past the state line before running out of gas and money to buy more. 

Generally its been a whole lot of moping and I'm sick of it. I have to do something. I cannot wait anymore. I keep telling myself it'll all be alright by time fall comes but it wont. I'm an adult now. I don't automatically just get to go back to school. I have to work for my next step. I have to live life now.