All of the bad.

I haven't been able to stop crying for the past couple hours and this time, despite my selfishness, I am a not sad for just my own life. Everything seems so bad. People hurt other people and people do not care. Why do people want guns? Why do people feel like they will lose something is gun are more strictly controlled. Guns are made to kill people. That is it. That is their sole purpose. Why do we all take the thought of death so lightly? Why is it okay to jokingly tell someone "kys" now? Why cant I do anything about any of these problems? I feel so useless.

I keep seeing things about what happened in Connecticut and i cant take it anymore. All those children and teachers. I keep want to say they were all so young or "this close to Christmas..." but it really doesn't matter. People that weren't suppose to die, good, happy people died. I guess I never think about it, but people die like this all the time.

I found out my sisters boyfriend has been hitting her. She wont leave him and I told my parents and still, Josh is asleep on my couch right now. I don't know what to do. Part of my want to yell at him and hurt him. Key his car. Through his fucking phone in the toilet. Tell all those other girls he cheats on Autumn with, the way he treats her. I don't know how that will help her though. I don't know how to protect her.

I feel like I cant trust anything anymore. I can't trust my parents to take care of me, since apparently, it's totally fine if boys beat us. I cant trust the way I used to look up to my sister, seeing her so confident, know what she is worth and all she can do. I cant trust people to just be good people and not carry around guns and always be ready to kill another person.

I want to distract myself, stop caring, forget what happened, not heed the warning, but then I just would be part of the problem. 

lame

So I'm starting at deltech in the spring and I'm doing the nursing program and I thought this was a good idea and I still see the pros of it. Its a stable job that I can do anywhere. I'll make decent money. Most importantly though I'll get to help people.

 Then I watched this video of one of my favorite authors talking about how college had impacted his life.

 

It makes me really sad that I'm going to miss out on classes about creative writing and philosophy and religion. All I've ever wanted was to be a writer. I want to write stories and books and I want to share them with people. I want to take class where I can learn about all human experiences and how to make my writing better. I want to go to a college with a freaking literary magazine.

My therapist told me I'd stop feeling like I'm missing out on so much once I got back into school and started getting everything settled, but as I make these choices I keep second guessing myself and seeing how much I'm going to miss out on. 

On another note, I keep hearing people say that I've changed. I'm not as funny anymore. I'm serious now. I hate it. I know it's true. I know that trying to beat the sadness in your life is serious business and it's almost impossible to come out of this being the same silly fun teenager, everyone loved apparently.